Misery
by Kat253ox
Summary: 'Most of all, James, I just wish you were here. I want you here with me, now, all the time. And I want you never to leave again.' Lily's misery, alone at home, wondering if James will ever return from his mission. Rated T for minor swearing.


**Summary: **'Most of all, James, I just wish you were here. I know it's selfish of me, but I want you here with me, now, all the time. And I want you never to leave again.' Lily's misery, alone at home, wondering if James will ever return from the mission on which he has been sent by the Order. Rated T for minor swearing.

**Misery**

_Love is not some kind of victory march  
>No, it's cold<br>And it's ever unbroken  
>Hallelujah<br>- 'Hallelujah', Leonard Cohen_

Being without you hurts. It hurts so much. I have a physical, aching pain in my stomach – it's a combination of the kicking baby, constant fear, and a feeling of complete and utter misery that I can't seem to shake off. I know it's silly, that my feelings of loss have absolutely no basis in fact, that you could be absolutely fine – could, in fact, at this very moment, by stopping off at the Three Broomsticks to pick up some butterbeer on your way home to me – but I just can't rid myself of the idea that you aren't.

Every time I close my eyes, I see you. But not at I usually do. Not smiling, chuckling, laughing. Not hugging me gently, kissing me passionately. Not kidding around with Sirius, running a hand through your messy hair. No, in my mind's eye, you're lying, spread-eagled on the cold, hard earth. Dead. Your beautiful hazel brown eyes are no longer flecked with the golden laughter that only Sirius and I can inspire, or with the sadness that appears when we receive news of yet another death. Hell, I'd even settle for seeing them full of that bitter dear that I have, sadly, become accustomed to seeing your eyes filled with recently. They're blank. Empty. Void of feeling, emotion, life. And that's what scares me most – the idea that a life as vivid as yours could just be extinguished.

I miss you so damn much, James. It's not even as though I'm completely alone – I always have the baby, constantly moving around in my womb, kicking at my belly to remind me that it's there, that I'm not alone. And Sirius stopped by last night, to check on me. I think he was startled at quite how miserable I am. When he came through the front door to the dark, cold house, I could hear the anxiety in his voice. 'Lily?' he called. When I didn't reply, the worry turned to panic. 'Lily, are you here? Is everything okay?' He ran through the empty rooms, switching on lights as he passed through the house. Finally, he came up here, to find me lying, curled up in a very loose foetal position, on the floor, alone in the dark house. Rocking backwards and forwards, wearing just an old sweatshirt of yours, the sleeves of which were damp from wiping up my tears, over my underwear. He ran over to me, picked me up in his arms, and held me close. 'I know, Lily. I know. I miss him too,' he mumbled into my hair, rubbing my back as I sobbed. 'I j-just wish they'd stop s-sending him out. I c-c-can't _stand_ being without him!'

He stayed the night, and I fell asleep in his arms. He ignored my protests that I didn't want to ruin his Saturday evening, laughing bitterly at the idea that he might have had plans. 'Do you really think I'd leave any of my best friends alone in this kind of state? Especially my best friend who happens also to be the pregnant wife of my other best friend? You know I love you as I do James.' He really does love you, James. He's grown up, and I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have best friends like the two of you.

I just wish I'd been better to the two of you. I wish I'd been awake to tell him goodbye this morning, to tell him I love him. I wish I'd not fought with you last week, before you left. It was such a silly fight. I can't even remember why we were arguing – something about me resenting feeling pathetic because I'm so heavily pregnant I can't do anything useful. I knew you were about to leave for another mission – I guess I resented you the freedom, being able to help the Order, being able to fight against the Death Eaters, being able just to leave the house.

I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry for being such a hormonal bitch. I'm sorry for baiting you into fighting back. I'm sorry for being in the toilet when you left, for being too late in rushing out, crying, to tell you how sorry I am, and how much I love you.

Most of all, James, I just wish you were here. I know it's selfish of me, but I want you here with me, now, all the time. I want you to massage my aching back, I want you to rub my pregnant belly, I want you to stroke my hair, I want you to kiss my eyes – swollen and aching from crying – I want you to listen as I tell you how much I love you, I want you to say it back. And I want you never to leave again.

**A.N.:** A bit morose, and frankly miserable, to be honest. Sorry if it's too much. I'm really missing somebody at the moment – he's just gone away for a while, but I wish he'd come back – so I guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. Hope you like this, even though I'm not sure how much I do. Let me know – please review.


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